Flipping the Script on Negative Self Narratives

Because words matter no matter who says them.

Photo by Anete Lusina via Pexels

There have been several moments following my diagnosis when I felt like the skies above me cleared for the first time in a very long time. One of those moments was when I suddenly realized how much control I now have over my own narrative.

One of the hardest parts of living for so long without being diagnosed is that I struggled for 40 years with feeling like a complete failure. I had no idea why I couldn’t do most of the things that everyone around me could do really easily.

Everyone around me seemed frustrated with me, including myself. This never changed. Age 8. 18. 28. 38. 48. Letting people down was like my calling card.

I have had the self-esteem of a root vegetable for most of my life, a fact that I have worked tooth and nail to hide by masking.

Much of this came from being told things about myself that others saw to be true. It didn’t matter that I didn’t agree with these things. You hear it long enough, you believe the story, and you start to tell yourself the same thing. It becomes your own narrative.

When I was diagnosed and started reading about ADHD, I realized that all of the words I thought defined me just merely described traits or characteristics that present with untreated ADHD.

What happened next made me cry. Suddenly, I clearly understood that all of the negative associations I made about myself were not me. They were the ADHD.

Knowing the difference between a trait connected to ADHD and a personality trait connected to me allowed me to disconnect from that trait. I no longer associate with any of those words.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t still exhibit those traits. I sure as hell do. But, I am NOT those things. I am a grown-as woman doing the best I can.

I have taken each one of these words and written them down on a piece of paper and stared at it. I wrote down a half dozen times I felt that word defined me. I wrote down what happened to make me feel that way. I wrote down what was said to me.

I looked at the list and realized that if I had known, if I had understood myself, it would have been different. But that’s not reality. I can’t go back in time. So, I don’t allow my past into my future.

I threw away every damn piece of paper when I was done. It was the only way I could think to get it out of my head.

I give myself grace and ask others to do the same for me. Anyone who judges me for my struggles with executive function is going to hear about it. I will say it kindly, with as little emotion as I can, using words that are based on psychology and neuroscience.

Simply, it is not reasonable to have normal expectations of me. I am not normal.

This isn’t enabling myself or asking other people to enable me. It isn’t using ADHD as a crutch or an excuse. The difference is that I fight every day to do better, and then the onus is on me actually to do better. You can’t make a commitment to yourself and not follow through.

If I don’t follow through I lose credibility with myself and everyone around me from whom I have asked for patience. This is my moral compass, and I stand by it.

I deserve to choose which of the words I hear about me are true. The way I make solid decisions about this is to know what is true about me. This is where I flip my narrative. I get to tell my story. No one else.

I am creative. I am a planner (let’s not talk implementation…). I am a problem solver. I have huge ideas. I think outside of the box. I see what others don’t.

I am the person you want to draft your Zombie apocalypse plan. Just don’t ask me to actually join you in it. I don’t have that kind of energy. I’m just gonna sit in the front yard with the good tequila, and whatever happens, happens. I know who I am.

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