ADHD and the Hellscape That is a Restaurant Menu

Let me tell you what I do to help me pass as an adult.

Photo by Foo Visuals on Unsplash

I’m always surprised, when I talk about having ADHD as an adult, particularly with a late diagnosis, how many people make an effort to let me know I’m not alone. Recently, I made a post on TikTok (an apparent hotbed community for GenXers with ADHD) about one of the things I have done for years to “mask” ADHD without ever realizing it was most likely the cause of the behavior.

The number of people that show up and are like, “Oh yeah. Me too. Totally a thing,” is so reassuring. And they go deep with telling me their own variation. I love these people.

Masking is intentionally hiding a trait of your ADHD so that others aren’t on to you. We do this because of shame. We’re embarrassed about the things we do and are concerned people will stop loving us or criticize us if they find out we’re secretly a mess.

At work, we’re certain all the damn time that someone is going to find out we do not, in fact, have our collective crap together and fire us. So we hide stuff. All the time. Good times.

For me, the problem is that I never knew that the things I did to mask were normal for a neurodivergent person. I just thought I was… a mess. Period.

Once I realized that there was a term for this and it’s a normal ADHD behavior, I became fully aware of all the ways I do this. Case in point: restaurants.

I am here to tell you that there is no level of hell that quite compares with walking into a restaurant and being handed something large with lots of tiny writing on it and being asked to PICK something. Like, just choose. But choose one. Only one.

I suffer from major decision paralysis for two reasons: my damn brain and I am afraid of being judged. And yes, I understand we all have to eat, and being judged for it should not be a thing, but here we are. The struggle is real.

Now, if we’re going out to eat, I am the last person you ever want to choose the actual restaurant because I will be so concerned you will hate the place I almost literally can’t eat. That is not ADHD related, but my self-doubt stems from ADHD-related rejection, so it’s a full circle.

Photo by Ali Inay on Unsplash

If you ask me to go to a restaurant with you, I will go to the restaurant’s website, download the menu, and read it in its entirety until I am absolutely certain of what I am getting.

Hell, you don’t even have to invite me out with you for me to do this. I do this even when I am eating by myself. This behavior is just innate now.

If the menu is not online, I will go to Yelp and see if someone has taken a picture of it. Bonus is when people have uploaded a photo of what I might order so I can see it and solidify my certainty.

A good few people told me that they don’t do this and didn’t think it was related to ADHD. I am not here to discount other people’s experiences. I know that different people with have different symptoms and coping mechanisms.

But, one thing that I have noticed is that most people I talk to who help me understand masking are people with late diagnoses. This seems to make sense to me.

Our ways of coping with ADHD for decades are not actually intended to be coping mechanisms for the disorder. They are ways for us to cope with a fear of judgment.

So, we place a significant amount of importance on the masking mechanism. The need to figure out what I am going to eat has always been a very high priority. I may show up late. I may even go to the wrong location. I will forget I have no gas and almost run out. But, god damn it, I KNOW what I will order when I finally get there.

My masking mechanisms created a safety net. Now that I understand all of this, I am working on trying to remove the 800 masks I wear on a regular basis, even if it means people will think less of me. The right people wouldn't. I’m focusing on those people and me.

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